Pig roasting – Seven years of stupidity

Chaz’s viewpoint – We have an annual summer party, this year will be our 10th. The party started out as an all day event on a Saturday. Due to the imbibing, many people stayed the night Saturday, and the party just continued on Sunday. For many years, I would roast a full pig, which required putting the pig on at about 2 or 3 in the a.m. Well after the first couple of parties, a few friends started showing up Friday night to assist in the “roasting”. Just my opinion, but I think it was the beer, not any desire to help me. I think this is pretty accurate, since they typically just stood there and watched. Whatever, their reason, the party began to start Friday evening.

While I am definitely biased, I feel that our parties go over pretty well. We have a lot of good conversation, volleyball, good food, & good beer, plus we generally have a good turn out. Usually we have approx. 50-60 people with 4-8 spending the night Friday and 12-15 spending Saturday night. The record was set in 2002 with 101 people coming with 14 people spending Friday night and 38 people spending Saturday night.

Now I enjoyed these parties, but usually not until about 6 or 7 p.m. on Saturday. This was due to the work I had to roast the pig. I would get the roaster the weekend before and set it up, so that was no big deal. The Friday of the party, I would take the day and finish setting up tent, chairs, table, etc. I would drive to a pig farm outside of Canton and pick the pig up. I tried to get there as close to closing (5:00) as I could so we didn’t have to worry a lot about keep it cold. I would pack the pig in ice and head home. I would leave it in the garage and go get the 1st ½ keg. We usually go through two. I come home and various people usually Chris and Shaun (Imagine that!) would show up and we would tap the keg.

I know I have a long night ahead, so I don’t drink much. Chris & Shaun usually do and usually around 11 p.m. they want to go to the bar. For a lot of years, they walked to a “Charlies too”, usually with my wife in tow. Alas, we took Brooke (our daughter) & Jan (Donna’s best friend) there before one of the parties and they ended up having to close it down. That is definitely another story, if I can figure out how to do it without incriminating anyone. Anyways, they usually leave either walking or with a DD, designated driver, and I stick around.

It’s not like I am lonely or being idle. Usually my Dad arrives about that time from Virginia, so we play catch up. I also have to get the pig ready. Now due to the usual amount of people, we get a fairly large pig, roughly 150 pounds. Unfortunately, this means that it won’t fit in the pig roaster without some.. ah..modifications. Basically, I have to cut off its head and part is legs. Now I could have the pig farm do this, but why waste the $25 they would charge me. Its not like I have anything else to do, so out comes the hacksaw and I begin. It takes me a good 20 minutes and two beers to accomplish this, but it’s done. I’ve saved some money, and I get to work off some testosterone.

Around 1 a.m. I get the coals going. A little after 2, the drunks..I mean the Shaun/Chris/Donna shows up. I sit around the next half hour and listen to their stories and philosophies, which are usually quite incoherent, but still humorous. When I get told for the third time - “I love you, Man!!” and its Shaun, not Donna, I figure its time to put the pig on. This timing mechanism as served me well over the years.

For those of you who have never done or seen this done, it is quite a sight. First you have this iron pig roaster, which is a wee bit warm, roughly 300-325 degrees. Next you have a 150 pound, 3 ½ foot long headless pig. Take one fairly sober person (me) and two very drunk people, Shaun & Chris, {Note; Donna has enough common sense to either go inside or stay quite.} and try to combine the headless pig with very hot roaster. Trust me, comedy ensues. I am sure that we would make the Three Stooges laugh, though I usually cry. At least so far we haven’t been seriously burnt.

The pig is on, so I check everything, add coals/set the vents and off to bed for 2 hrs. After 2 hrs, I get up check everything, add coals/set the vents and off to bed for 1 hr. Repeat every hr until 8 a.m. Around that time, Donna usually begins checking and allows me to sleep until about 11 or so. This is not a good sleep as I have vivid flash backs to the time Donna & my mom where “checking” the pig and the grease caught on fire. Since most of the roaster is coated in grease, it also caught on fire. The screams woke me. I rushed outside in time to stop them from spraying with water (my mom not Donna). I shut the lid and let the flames die out. All was well, but the memory lingers on.

Anyways, after the mainly sleepless night, I get up around 11, check the pig, and begin getting the rest of the party ready. I go get ice, get the remaining keg, grab a bite to eat and set up the cutting table. The party starts around noon, but most people start rolling in around 1 or 2 with the most people there from around 3 to 6. The pig is done around 1. I put on my rubber apron, don my rubber gloves, pick up my hopefully sharp knives and begin.

Carve & Shred.
Carve & Shred.
Carve & Shred.

For about 4 hrs I carve and shred very hot, very greasy pork. Since I have to start carving the pig at 1, I tend to miss most of the people. Actually, they would stop the carving table and talk for a few moments, grab some fresh off the bone pork, but I wasn’t really able to enjoy their company. After the meat was cut and shredded, I would clean up with Donna’s help; shut down the roaster, i.e. close the vents; and go take a long shower. By this time it’s around 6 or 6:30. Did you notice that most people are there from 3 to 6? Basically, I am so busy working that I miss most of my own party. It was worth it as everyone had fun, people loved the roasted pork, and I would eventually get to sit down and mingle. This was standard procedure for the first 7 yrs.

The 7th year was the year of enlightenment. It was around 7 or so in the evening on that the Saturday of the party. I was finally relaxing and enjoy the company, when my mom came up to me and we had the following conversation –
Mom – You sure work hard.

Me – yeah, but it’s worth it.

Mom – I know that you are pretty smart. {My chest swelled with pride} So I am sure that there is a reason for this, but I have to ask anyways. You usually have Friday off anyways, right?

Me – Uh, right.

Mom – and you have the roaster the weekend before, right?

Me – Yeah.

Mom – Then why don’t you roast the pig Thursday night, cut it up Friday, and just reheat it on Saturday? It will keep in the fridge and you can get a good night sleep, plus you can enjoy your party.

Stunned silence as I try to comprehend this radical notion

Mom – Well?

I think furiously for the reason and give the perfectly logical and correct one – “I don’t know. I guess I never thought of it.”

Mom as she is walking away - Well, you might want to do that next year.

Me – Dooooh!

I just wish she had mentioned this 5 years ago!

Thus the pork is now done the night before, but the pre-party part continues. However for the last two years I have been able to attend, so those stories will soon be written.