Hot tub + Beer = Worry

While Donna and I were still living in Grand Ledge, some friend of ours held a “hot tub” warming party. They had just finished their new deck and hot tub. Their house was out in the boondocks and they were going to have a bonfire also. I was working a mid shift and got off around 8, so I was meeting Donna and the kids out there. I arrived and it was a good party. I had brought my own, a six pack of Killians.

I hadn’t eaten that day, so after the first two beers I was in the Zone. My plan was to nurture my remaining 4 beers and make them last the evening. I had to drive, but 6 beers over 4 hrs doesn't make a drunk, at least not me. As I wandered around talking with friends, playing in the fire, etc, I realized it was a beautiful night and the beer went down very easy.

Donna suggested that we get in the hot tub. I changed into my trunks, grabbed my remain 3 beers, and got in. Since it was a “hot” tub the water was hot, but once I was used to the heat, it was no big deal. I finished my third beer and opened the fourth. Did you know that most hot tubs come with a warning not to drink due to the heat? Apparently it can increase the effect of alcohol. I was unaware of that odd fact. My downward spiral begins and so does the ramblings of a drunk mind....

Hmmm, water is hot. Not too bad when you get used to it.
(Time passes)
It’s a good night.
Looking down
Hey, bubbles. Cool. Boy, they swirl and swirl and swirl. Oh, that makes me dizzy better stop. Wait, I can't see my legs. If I can't see my legs, then they can't see Donna's. Hehehe!
(Move hand over to Donna's leg)
Her leg is soft.
(Strokes leg)
What are they saying? It is mumbly. Oh well, just smile and nod. They won't know your not listening.
(Nods, smiles and time passes)
Donna's leg feels different. It seems longer.
(Strokes leg more)
That is odd. It's smaller. I don't get it. Why would it be longer and smaller?
(Attempting to think, but seem to forgotten how)
Take drink that will help.
(Drinks beer)
It’s a good night. Uhhh, what was I thinking? It will come back to me.
(Strokes leg)
Her leg is soft. Soft. Leg. Soft and long. Soft, long and small. A soft, long, small leg. Yeah, I was thinking about why Donna’s leg is longer and smaller. Kool, I remembered. I am soo good. Lets think about this logically. Like Spock. Yeah. Live long and prop duster. No, stupid that’s not it. What is it? Take drink that will help.
(Drinks beer)
Live long and proper?
(Drinks beer)
Live long on prostitutes? He he he. Now that’s funny.
(Strokes leg & drinks beer)
Live long and prosper! I am such a geek.
(Makes Vulcan sign under water & drinks beer)
Okay, got to think. I am talking to her, so it is her leg.
(Strokes leg & drinks beer)
Yeah, it’s a leg and there is Donna. She is looking at me funny. Just smile and blow her a kiss.
(Smile, blow kiss, stoke leg & drink beer)
Wait, odd, something is. I can see Donna’s entire face. My head isn’t turned. Neither is hers either. Hmm. Very odd. What is odd? Our heads are not turned. Why is that odd?
(Drinks beer, Strokes leg & drinks beer)
Okay, our heads are not turned, we are looking directly at each, and my left hand is on her leg. It’s not right. Crap, Donna sees me staring at her. Smile.
(Smiles & drinks beer)
Hey, nothing came out. It’s empty. That sucks. If I was in charge, beer bottles would never get empty…Warm…and never get warm. Big breweries don't know how to treat their customers. Bottles that empty. What a rip off!
(Get new beer, attempts to take cap off)
What the hell? Its not coming off. Gawd Dam! Why do they put them on so tight? Well they won’t beat me. I am a not only a man, but a manly man. I will just twist harder. Owww. that hurt.
(Cap comes off, looks at it)
Who’s your daddy? Thought you could keep me from my beer, huh? I showed you. You are a little piece of tin and no match for my intellilicut..my intelligent..my smarts! My hand is bleeding. No big deal. It just blood.
(Drinks beer, throws cap in trash & puts hand back on leg)
Okay, back to the problem of the small long leg. My dear Dr. Watson, think clearly - our heads are not turned, we are looking directly at each, and my left hand is on her leg. I am looking at Donna. She is looking at me. Wait, since I am looking directly ahead that must mean she was across tub from me. Okay that is what was odd. Time for a drink or two.
(Drinks half the beer & stokes the leg)
I am so smart, I figured out that she wasn’t next to me. That doesn’t seem right. How can her leg be next to me, if she is across from me? Take drink that will help.
(Drinks beer)
Shit!! It isn’t Donna’s leg.
(Choke on beer)
Breathe, stupid, breathe. Take deep breathes. Get the beer out of your nose. Just tell them it went down the wrong pipe. Just smile and take another drink.
(Smile & drink beer)
It’s not Donna’s. Crap, who is it? Man, I hope it’s a female. Okay, focus. You can do this. Just focus your eyes, turn your head, and look. It can’t be that bad. Take drink first just to be sure. Hey stupid, make sure you swallow it before you look. I only have one left, so don’t want to waste good alcohol.
(Drink beer, turn head and focus eyes)
It’s a female. It’s a female. It’s a female. Yeah, it’s a female. Thank you god for letting it be a female. This deserves a drink.
(Drinks beer & strokes leg)
Okay, what do I do now? Hmmm – well, I should stop caressing her leg. Yeah, that’s a good first step.
(Drinks beer & strokes leg)
Come on moron, move your hand. Oh, yeah I meant to do that.
(Moves hand & drinks beer)
Dam, its empty again. It’s a conspiracy. They put less and less in the bottles as the night goes on. Dam, communists, it’s their fault.
(Gets last bottle of beer and opens)
Bottles are easier to open with a bottle opener. They should all be twist offs.
(Drinks beer)
Yeah, I am smooth; no one saw me feeling her leg. It will be my private little secret. No one will be wiser.
(Drinks beer)
Dam. I forgot about her. She knows, she has to know. I was feeling her leg. Shit! She knows. I am sooo screwed. Wait, isn’t that her husband? Crap, he is a big boy. He is going to kick my ass. Well, I deserve it. I will let him hit me and apologize. Yeah, that is a good plan.
(Drinks beer)
Finish the beer, so it will hurt less. Yeah. I finish my beer. We leave. The next time I see them, he will punch me and all will be good.
(chugs beer and gets out of tub)

And my memories cease. There are flashes. Donna drove me home. I threw up most of the way. We had to stop about 6 times. If you want an accurate number ask Brooke as she kept count. The friend never said anything about it, though for the next year or so, I expected her husband to punch me at anytim. I of course told Donna who thought it was hilarious, but she never said anything to the friend. Oh, this year we were with the friend I was caressing and Donna finally brought it up. The friend basically said she knew I was trashed, so never gave it much thought. Two years of worrying about being punched for no reason. Here is a friendly warning, be very careful drinking and hot tubbing, it can lead to a years of worry.